Since my last blog, so many things have changed in positive ways…including the forum called ‘My Blog’! When I first started this, I was processing so much in my spiritual life that my posts ended up NOT including the day-to-day life opera singers face. By no means am I done developing spiritually- I have deemed 2013 The Year of Application. As I continue this adventure in questioning everything (believe me, I do) and turning over every stone in the garden of my career, I think it may prove more interesting to display fewer attempts at profound thinking and more about the daily grind of an artist-in-renaissance.
So, during my hiatus, I have had several auditions, concerts, and performing opportunities. It has been enlightening, disheartening, amazing, frustrating…you get the idea. Up. Down. Up. Down. Repeat. For those not familiar with these events: I have made a career singing Mozart, Handel, and Rossini operas. Some stretches into Donizetti and Bellini, but mostly the first three composers. As I mature (okay…age), I find this challenging. Why? In the works of these composers, there are MANY singers. While I have the stamina, agility, and range still intact, I am also more expensive, and honestly more mature than the way these operas tend to be cast. I feel I still look youthful, but you can see and hear the difference in maturity between someone in their 20s and me. Not a bad thing- just makes auditioning that much more a crap shoot. Fortunately, with the help of my teacher ( Bill Schuman) and trusted support team, we have begun exploring the world of Beethoven, Wagner, and Strauss. While not an unusual shift for a singer, it poses an interesting problem: Reinventing yourself in the eyes of every company, conductor, and impresario you’ve ever worked with.
I contacted a good friend that made a similar transition. She said that it is a long road but worth it. The positive points:
1) I am not auditioning for roles that many tenors can easily sing.
2) I am new to the repertoire, so my fees can be slightly less (although most places that perform these works offer ample fees for performance).
3) I am excited to learn and try on new roles.
4) My youthful stature can, once again, work to my advantage (I have managed to avoid the midlife spread).
5) I feel like I am discovering new things in my voice every day, now that I am not confined to the rep I have been submerged in for so long.
Don’t misunderstand: I do not dislike the music I have been fortunate enough to sing for years. I simply feel as if I may have outgrown some of it, and having something completely new to study is a refreshing change! My voice has grown a bit, taken on some new colors, and this new rep allows me to explore what is there.
So, the negative points:
1) The rep I am singing (although this has always been a problem for me) is not performed as often as, for example, Il Barbiere di Siviglia or Don Giovanni.
2) In many minds, I am a ‘Rossini tenor’. Convincing others of this switch as a healthy and natural one is a slow process. Which leads to…
3) Patience: Minds can be slow to accept adjustment.
Which brings me to the title of this blog… How big am I willing to play? Given the list of positive points, I should feel like the sky is the limit. Here is the rub: My deepest ways of thinking are drenched in self-doubt, fear of the unknown, fear of rejection…same old stuff every singer conquers when they begin a career… and I get to do it. Again. YAY!??? My spiritual growth of late has been amazing. I am energized, I feel whole, my body is responding beautifully to it… my thinking is the stalwart in this new way of being. It holds fast to the ways in which it was developed. So, I have to uproot this giant. There are so many ways offered in how to do so; I am scratching the surface, but have miles to go before I sleep.
Final point: I am thrilled to be in this place! Even on the worst days of my thinking taking over, I am excited at what lies ahead. I am even coming to terms with not needing to know everything right away. How big am I willing to play? How big is my ‘God’? I am ready to see my dance card fill with opportunities to display the ‘new’ me… Patience, David. I must say that I always play a big game, and the size of the game does matter! Bigger risks equal bigger rewards (not only speaking to money here… the real reward is in doing what I love on a bigger scale). Apparently this game is just beginning, and I am just getting to the table…