I have been mentioning writing blogs not so heavy with my own perceived profundity, so here’s one for the beginning of Thanksgiving week. First: These are all true stories. I have left out the names of all of my colleagues out of respect, but that shouldn’t reduce the humor in them. Here goes:
Vault Number One: This Time, Perhaps with Cooperation from the Stage.
I believe this one has become a bit of an urban legend, since I have heard it repeated. I, however, was one of the lucky participants!
We were at Inspiration Point Fine Arts Colony (now known as Opera in the Ozarks) during the summer of 19%$. I had been cast as Remendado in Carmen, along with some other roles for the summer. As one of my ‘minor’ assignments for the season, our cast didn’t get a lot of rehearsal time. Now, the Carmen Quintet is infamous for derailing many a singer. In our cast final run all went well, although our Dancairo didn’t join us due to another performance that evening. So, flash forward to our opening night. We begin at quite a clip, and our Dancairo had not rehearsed at this speed. Try as we might, all of us begin to stumble. The conductor (a fine, brilliant, patient man) stops the orchestra and turns to the rather full house and says, “I would like to begin this number again. This time, perhaps, with some cooperation from the stage?” Yup, it happened. Yup, I was there. Yup, we did it…although I must say, as I recall, we chose to ‘park and bark’ our way through. We laughed about it…much, much later.
Vault Number Two: How DO You Kiss a Girl?
My first full semester at University of Missouri-Kansas City (Master’s degree), we were doing Rossini’s L’Italiana in Algeri. Now, given my stature and voice-type, I have often played the romantic lead. That said, a lot of kissing occurs. I was quite used to kissing my female colleagues that were shorter than me. In this cast, however, my Isabella was exactly my height. In the opera, the couple are only seen together for a brief moment, and a kiss is rather obligatory. We tried many times (more than five, less than fifty), but continued to bash our faces together like two drunken bastards in a bar fight. It was funny at first, but became rather irritating quickly. In an enormous moment of frustration, I stopped the rehearsal and boldly shouted, “How do you kiss a girl?” As you can imagine, we had to take a break due to the spontaneous hysterics that ensued…
Vault Number Three: Lesson- Always Do the Male ‘Pat-Down’ Before Going Onstage.
Waiting backstage for my Avery Fisher Hall debut. Handel’s Messiah. Easy sing. Everything feels almost electrified, and I can hardly wait to go chew up some Handel in front of my first New York audience. Friends and family in the audience, check. Agent in attendance, check. Here we go!
Chorus enters, then the soloists. For those of you unfamiliar with the setup of the hall (not unlike many NYC and European theaters), the front row for the audience is merely feet from the stage. I lovingly think of it as sitting in the splash zone. We bow, go to be seated, and I notice the most terrible thing for a man about to sit down in tux pants… not only was my fly down, but the tail of my shirt was visible (to how many, I am unsure… I had a rather unique angle). So begins the panicky flop-sweat. I am calculating madly how to reach down, zip up, and go unnoticed by the elderly couple and their grandchildren on the front row. In a moment of perceived clarity, I whipped quickly to my left, pretending to make sure my glass of water was in place. With folder in hand, I deftly yanked at the zipper… and lightly caught my vest in the current gap. A much easier fix, when not in the ‘Oh God, I am going to flash my junk to the entire room’ state of mind. When in that frame of mind, easy fixes become insurmountable tasks involving graphs, slide rules, charts, and perhaps an abacus. Too late to make any further moves, I had to sit. Much as a sophomore boy would do in class during one of ‘those moments’, I sat and covered my crotch with my folder. By now, the conductor is in place and has begun. So, during the beautiful opening orchestral piece, I am sitting with one hand under my folder, playing tug of war with the corner of my vest and trying to complete pulling up my fly before standing to sing Comfort Ye and Every Valley. My hope was (and is) that I maneuvered with enough stealth that I went unnoticed. To top it off, given my state of mind in the moment… as I stood in preparation to sing, I clearly looked down, pulled my vest into place, smiled gracefully, and sang the s$%^ out of it. I was sweating like a marathon runner, but the barn door was successfully closed. So, gentlemen (and ladies, as I am sure you have issues of the wardrobe malfunction variety)… Always do the backstage pat-down: Pockets clean and flat, vest centered and straight, tie in like position, pant legs breaking neatly on top of well-shined shoes, and YOUR FLY CLOSED.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope this brought a chuckle, stirred a memory of your own awkward moments, or just helped pass some time.