Eleven years ago, something profound happened to all of us. I refuse to think of it as something that happened to our country; it is something that happened to the human race.
By sharing my experience, I do not mean to diminish that of others. In the shadow of lives lost, families destroyed, and the rise media-driven hysteria, my experience pales. Nonetheless, it had an enormous impact on my life and career. I know I am not alone in this… I pray that all of you will find solace in any remaining grief that you carry. What follows is a detailed account of 9/11 from my point of view, and the ongoing impact it had on my life.
I was, at that time, living in New Jersey and working on a weekly schedule with New York City Opera. I was running late (as many people were that day, according to historic accounts), and my racing was interrupted by a telephone call. My partner was in Kansas City for business, and our roommate was already at work in the financial district (safe, thank God). The call came from my mother-in-law. An hysterical voice nearly shouted, ” Are you okay? I hope you are staying home today!” Unaware of the magnitude of the situation, I became irritated. The radio station I was listening to had announced a small plane had crashed into the WTC. Aware of this, I knew that my normal travel path would be severely effected (normally I would go to the WTC , then catch the subway to Lincoln Center). This in mind, my frustration at the disturbance by phone grew. I replied that I had to go if I was going to be on time for my rehearsal that morning. The company was scheduled for opening night, which meant a longer day and carrying a change of clothes for receptions. I hurriedly hung up, ran out the door and into what was a simply gorgeous day, and rushed through a crowd of people standing with dumbstruck awe, staring at the now damaged single tower.
I jumped on the train for 33rd Street (the other line) and immediately noticed how slowly the trains were moving. After about 15 -20 minutes, we reached the 9th Street station, located in Greenwich Village. I came above ground to call the opera company and tell them of my current plight. When I came above ground, what I found was far from what I expected…
Every vehicle was stopped as if a mass power had wiped out their ability to operate. People were standing in the streets, once again staring downtown, only now there were two severely damaged towers (the second plane hit during my underground excursion). As I wandered aimlessly looking for a payphone or a cell signal, I stopped on 7th Ave. and observed things for myself. Smoke, flames, people screaming all around, holding each other, weeping, shouting, some chaotic scurrying for safety…take any blockbuster disaster film (I often compare it to Independence Day) and magnify the human energy by millions of times. As I began to shake off my own dumbfounded stare, the unthinkable happened… before my eyes, I, among millions of others, watched the first of the WTC towers fall. Next came pandemonium. Nearly everyone I could see fell to their knees, either in prayer or weakness.In a moment of heightened clarity, I turned and ran back to the train for the trip home. With a house full of pets, I knew that someone had to make it back to Jersey. At this point, I could only pray for the safety of our roommate. Since the automatic switch system on the underground cars was off, the trip home required the conductor to manually step off the train every few hundred feet and release the switch on the tracks. Once home, I began making phone calls to assure my family of my safety, to check on friends, etc. I believe the rest of my story now begins to resemble the rest of the accounts we have heard about this day.
Why would I share this, and how could it possibly 1) have influenced my career and 2) help anyone else, given that my goal through this blog is to reach out to others? The simple answer: I suffered in silence. To all of those that were with me in the months following 9/11, I offer you my thanks, and hope you will forgive me. During this time, I made many rash decisions based on my fears. I also managed to create a challenging situation for my agent, the companies with whom I was engaged, and countless dear friends. I went into emotional isolation, and pushed away any that would not believe I could manage my anxiety and grief. I would later (temporarily, thank God) torch my relationship with Warren, alienate a dear friend that had been nothing but supportive of me throughout my career, and leave singing for a while. Why? Why did I choose all of these things? Why did I risk ruining everything for which I had worked?
I did so because I wanted to avoid appearing weak. Had I simply gone to NYCO and discussed my issues with the administration at the time, things might have been different. I am sorry for this. Had I not shut down and pushed my agent away, our relationship might be different now. I am sorry. Had I not become so caught up in my ego-strength, I might not have pushed away my soulmate. I am sorry. This list could go on, but is not necessary. There is a larger point here.
I have processed my grief with these things, for the most part. I am mended, healthy, and fully engaged in my career again. I have a wonderful relationship with Warren, I have mended fences with those I alienated (as best I could), and have become a stronger person as a result. How did I get from the above point of despair to here? I TALKED TO PEOPLE about my needs, fears, wants, desires, etc. So often, I get stuck in the race that is my life and begin to feel alone. It is then that I must stop and take a look at my behavior. By slowing down, I find myself not only interested in, but going out of my way for human contact. Our race is not designed for isolation. We are an interactive lot, and must remember that. I also find that I will avoid sharing my feelings in order to protect my reputation, my friendships, myself. In my experience, the only way to process emotion of any type is to acknowledge it and share it. I have no difficulty sharing my successes…is there harm in being open about my shortcomings? I think not. The only thing that comes from understanding… from remembering… is wisdom, strength, and incredible courage.
The greatest things that ever happen in my life are only recognizable because of the hardships. I am grateful everyday for the life I have, imperfect as it may appear at times.