For those of you that have been reading: You know, in fairly gritty detail, what I have experienced. Rise, fall, success, rejection, invincibility, abject fear, and (most painfully) the gain, loss, and rebuilding of a support network. For those new to my musings: Welcome, and I hope you will find something that speaks to you in this.
So, all of the things listed above were based on choices. More specifically they were based on choices made from my perception of the life I was able to have. I am sure you have all heard the story of the goldfish… just in case…
There was a goldfish that was kept in a very small bowl. One day, the owner of the fish decided on a bigger bowl for his pet. To the owner’s amazement, the fish, when placed in the larger tank, continued to swim in circles the size of his former container. Though his surroundings had changed drastically, the fish’s perception did not.
How big IS my tank? In whatever field I make a living… have I ever worked to truly define my limits/goals/desires? In listening to numerous people on this topic (many are listed in my earlier blogs), I have heard various opinions: Some say that desires are merely the voice of my calling seeking manifestation. Some say that I must place demands on the Universe in order to receive my Highest Good. Some say to be very specific. Some say specificity is not required, since God is both within and around me and conspires with me for my Highest Good. Confused yet? I believe that these are variations on a very important theme. All of these paths are true methods of uncovering my Internal Guidance System, inevitably leading to my soul’s assignment. The only thing that will successfully block the fulfillment of this… is me, dammit.
Have I become satisfied with security? Have I left the skinniest branches in order to feel safety? What would it be like if my tank were infinite in size? What if there was no standard to which I held myself beyond the desire to always be and offer everything I have within me? I have so many friends that seem to wear their suffering like a badge. They are victimized by their moods (something that I completely understand, but am prayerfully outgrowing), and don’t see any way out. It seems as if, somewhere along the way, the desire to continue to expand was replaced with resignation that life will never look the way it was promised. Somewhere, the great life that was imagined was reduced to a laundry list of things to do. Some highs, some lows, and a feeling of enormous dissatisfaction. I choose something bigger, at any cost. I can have all of the love, friends, joy, and success that I am willing to allow, and so can we all!
For the singers reading: It took me 20 years in this career to realize that there is no ‘right way’ to do things. As a result of this delayed understanding, I allowed myself to suffer so much. Of late, I have been experiencing a small taste of the ‘big tank life’…and I love it! I feel more free to explore on all levels, and I simply feel like I am in a state of bliss most of the time. I am not even sure that this makes sense, because I still haven’t become very adept at describing my inner experience of a life lived outside my perceived boundaries. The biggest thing from which I have been relieved (for the most part): my mental construct stating that perfection is the only acceptable level by which I can measure success. Chew on that a bit… I still am! This is not meant to seem as if I have gotten to the mountain top. I know that this learning/ growing/ understanding process will continue until the day I take my last breath. With that, I am okay…
From here on out, the only shrinkage I will experience will be the result to exposure to cold water…c’mon, you didn’t think I could go the whole way through without making some type of penis joke, did you? Next post: The lighter side of opera!