It always fascinates me when life lessons are delivered through seemingly ordinary events…
Historically, I have always been a ‘doer’. I function more efficiently when my plate is quite full. For balance, I take mini-vacations from my normal patterns. Sometimes I simply cancel my scheduled engagements for a day. Other times I pack a bag and go away. In this case, I am in Texas visiting family and friends, and having an indescribably great time! Even in times like this, I am still susceptible to the ill winds of my thoughts.
As I mentioned in my first post, this blog will be as unflinching as I can possibly allow. Some posts may seem full of wisdom and lighthearted things… this may not be one of those. I have come to call these times my ‘human moments’. Other ways a time like this can be defined is ‘dark night of the soul’ and ‘divine discontent’.
I have spent a lot of time working to discover my reason for being here. This soul-digging experience has delivered incredible strength and sincere compassion. It has also left me feeling empty, without purpose, like a failure, and desperately lonely. As with any type of excavation, there are many layers to go through. Some layers are soft and easily managed, others like rock that require extreme effort and willpower to break through.
Of late, I have been very discouraged in my efforts to reinvent myself as an opera singer. I feel as if I don’t have the strength to do all that needs to be done. I also have a deep, gnawing sense that I am fooling myself. I will not succeed. As a young artist, I always said that I never wanted to be the singer that reaches the end of his career waiting for that elusive yet life-changing, career-ensuring call. My ‘monkey mind’ is reminding me of this. It is rather insistent that I am, indeed, that singer.
So, what is the lesson in this? I am sure that I am not alone in dealing with these feelings. What could I possibly have to offer while in this state of mind? Well, here we go… it may not be original, but it certainly is a profound truth for me (comes with backstory, but keep reading).
I find journaling to be a very revealing release of pent-up emotions. In a recent entry, I was channeling extreme discontent with the way things look in my life, especially my career. I could not understand why all of the spiritual work I have been doing was yielding no result. There was a lot of anger (my handwriting becomes nearly illegible when I get like this, so reading over my musings was quite an adventure), a lot of fear, embarrassment, shame, and general dismay. I had to walk away from the entry while writing, because I was so plugged in to the thoughts. After some time, I came back to the journal. I then turned within and tried to see beyond the plague of vitriol. What came next was incredible. I realized that I was going through the motions of spiritual work in order to get my way. I was meditating, journaling (both stream of consciousness and gratitude), praying… but fully attached to the outcome and my desires. Result: Not satisfactory. I was hit with the idea that all of my doing was not influencing my being. In other words, I had it backwards! Backwards! Rather than attempting to generate ‘prosperity and abundance’, why not choose ‘joy, peace, love, and a beautiful life well-lived’? If I am able to find within myself the courage and conviction to live seeking the latter, the other things will show up naturally!
After such a revelation, where am I on my journey of reinvention? I still battle the negative thoughts. I am still confronted with my own fear on a daily basis. If I am able, however, to focus on the quality of the life I want to live (aka the Divine Within, expanding from the center of the ‘being’ me), I gain enough perspective to detach from my opinion of things as they appear (aka Ego, focused on the results of the ‘doing’ me). Result: Not my modus operandi yet, but far more satisfactory.
This discovery affords me the strength to keep going. Is this dark night gone? No. Are there more to come? Yes. Am I determined to stay the course? Indeed, I am…