I read an interesting blog (a much-needed read, by the way) that really lit my internal fires of self-exploration and discovery. Without going into the details of the work, it was a simple call to action. In summary: Security or Significance. Choose One.
This may seem a bit extreme at first glance. In reading it, I felt like I was being pinched awake…for the 1,654,937th time in my life. Usually, that type of reaction means that something is ringing true to me. I have been absent from the ‘Blogosphere‘ of late because I simply didn’t have time. Concerts, rehearsals, travel for work, family, teaching and commuting 2 hours a day, blah, blah, blah. I am sure that you all noticed my absence, and have been dying to know what happened to me! Not really, but I will write anyway. This has become a confessional for me… so far, nothing bad has come from anything I have said, even when airing my dirty laundry.
Back to the point. The writer suggested that there comes a time (I would add there are many crossroads in life where this occurs) when one must select the safety and comfort of what is attainable/ already here or be willing to sally forth and strive for significance in this world, on some level. He also suggests that these two things, simply by their individual design, cannot coexist in one being. One must be willing to put it all on the line and accept the real possibility of failure, embarrassment, and the flock of nay-sayers or be content with those things that fall easily within his/her grasp.
At first, I thought, “I have lived my whole life seeking to be of significance in the world. As a tenor, an opera singer, and an openly gay man, I have been doing all I know how to ‘leave my mark’ in this bloody world. I have done all I know to be the best person I can” Next, I began to rattle off even more examples of how I WAS choosing significance. As I sat with this agitation the blog stirred, I had no choice (okay, I did…) but to take a harder look at these efforts. The realization was disheartening, yet oddly galvanizing. I realized that I wasn’t truly playing as big a game as I imagined. How often have I overlooked something important to me due to being ‘busy’? How often do I go without practicing for the amount of time I scheduled? How often have I been willing to be compensated in a manner/amount that, just a few years ago, I would have simply and politely declined? In a surge of emotion, I found myself running to my meditation space to dig into this. When did I stop treating myself, in all areas of my life, as someone worthy of everything the world has to offer? Why did I allow this to happen? Even better…didn’t I just go through this recently? How many times will I have to process and commit… again… to being the best artist/friend/husband/teacher/person I can be? All of these questions encouraged the older, darker demons to surface… Who am I to think I deserve any of this? Great idea… let’s dive in and fail. Again. My successes in the past were a fluke. My current successes are also just dumb luck. I don’t have what it takes. I don’t have the drive… get out of the way and leave this work to the young. Just teach and quit singing; that’s what people do at my age.
Allow me to introduce you to my personal ‘monkey mind’ chatter. I will assume that everyone reading this (and feel free to share my blog with your friends) has their very own complete set of them. They may shout different phrases, but their point is the same; not good enough to be whatever you desire to be. Please understand that I do not feel that I am insignificant. I simply feel like I am not truly living up to my highest potential in life on a daily basis. I am not walking in faith, simply following the Siren call that is mine.
During my meditation, I felt something shift (and it wasn’t me squirming to get back to ‘stuff’). I realized that, in order to quell the demons, I had fallen into the trap of having a foot in both worlds. I have allowed certain ‘creature comforts’ to diffuse my personal drive for achieving my goals. I believe that everything I desire is already manifest. It merely waits for me to build the courage to take it on. Understand, I love teaching. It is wonderful to be a part of the process of a singer’s young development, and I learn quite a bit about my own voice in the process. The message, however, is clear: I have used it as a point of safety, and allowed my deepest desires to remain unreached. My desire is not to be a ‘star’. I merely want to be performing a LOT more than I am right now. In order for this to happen, I have to GET OFF MY ASS AND WORK! I constantly tell my students that 20 minutes of focused time spent is far more effective than two hours of multitasking. I have spent the past few years of my life doing the multitasking version of being a singer. I have enough natural skill to coast on, and I have been doing just that. No more…
I am pulling my foot out of the world of safety. This doesn’t mean I am going to quit everything and ‘suffer for my art’… been there, done that, saw the movie, it sucked. It means that I am going to be the risk-taking, all-or-nothing, play big or go home singing actor that I was born to be. Not only was I born to be this way, I have spent years honing this craft. It’s time to ‘sharpen the axe’ again… I believe that is a Steven Covey reference (RIP, and thank you for all of the dynamic ideas you brought back to the world). More to come, I am sure…
By the way, what has you stuck? Do you feel like there is something, well, missing? Do you find yourself experiencing bouts of melancholy? Do you feel like your life has no meaning? I highly recommend taking a good, long look. The only thing you’ll find (after get past the monkey mind) is you pure joy…
ONE MORE THING: I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that I am going to the Grammys this year! It will be my third visit, but this one is different; I am a soloist of the disc ‘Life and Breath: Choral Works of Rene Clausen‘, and it is nominated for Best Choral Performance! Dumb luck, my ass…