This may be a big ‘Debbie Downer’ post…don’t read if you are in a funky space!
I. Am. Tired. How often do I find myself saying or thinking this?
I love singing. I believe I am meant to be singing. I believe that I have the talent and skillset to have a true Renaissance of my career as a full-time artist in my chosen craft (or the craft that has chosen me).
Here’s the rub: I am tired. I feel like I simply cannot catch a break on any front. I am singing better than I ever have in my life… yet, I sit waiting. Waiting. Waiting.
I have a wonderful position at a small university, and the opportunity to make it something more permanent. My gut tells me to not do so; I am not finished doing what I am called to do. My mind, my brain, my body, and my EGO are telling me a very different story. I am in a dark place, and find it difficult to not give in to EGO. It would be so much simpler. But would I be happy?
I realize that this is another dark night of the soul moment for me. I also realize that wonderful things are formed in the darkness, only to be fully revealed when the light appears. Babies, flowers, plants, and many other things follow this path. But, in the thick of it… in the deepest part of the darkness… I want to lie down and be at rest. I want to not feel that I am failing. I want to not feel, just for a little while. I want to hang a sign on my door that says ‘Gone Fishin’…
This is not meant to be seen as a cry for help… my blogging has been, and will continue to be, raw. I am sure that others have felt this way, feel this way now, and will feel this way in the future. I just, for one shining moment, to feel again as if all of my work has been, and will continue to be, a blessing to someone. Honestly, another shining moment filled with the sound of thousands applauding sounds fairly attractive as well.
Until then, I wait.