So, as many of you bloggers understand, the biggest hurdle to this point has been what to say. Who am I, and what makes me find it necessary to write a blog? What could I possibly offer to other singers, let alone the world, that hasn’t already been said or written elsewhere?
The answer: I don’t know!
Before I continue, let me be clear: I am not a spokesperson for any names or publications that I may mention. In order to avoid any infringement of copyright, I will always do my best to refer you to the source, and let you draw your own conclusions…after all, that is what I did before feeling compelled to begin this blog. My writing will be in the language of my understanding, which means I may use words such as ‘God’, ‘Holy Spirit’, or any number of terms in any given context. Please, do not allow these words to shut down your listening for the greater meaning that might be available. As a gay man raised in the Assemblies of God Church (no, I won’t refer you to them for further study….in fact, I would do the opposite), I have ingested the concepts of 1) mentally shutting down conversations due to incompatible language of belief, and 2) translating these ideas into a vernacular I believe in order to gain greater insight. My understanding of God may be, and probably is, entirely different from yours. This is not going to be a blog on religious matters, per se, but my spirituality (see, already using terms) is a part of my artistry. Therefore, I cannot very well avoid any mention of it. Again, read between the lines with which you don’t agree… ah, give it a try. If you choose not to read, I thank you for taking a look and your effort! Also, I will often make reference to youth in a variety of ways. I have nothing against young singers. Many of them I have the pleasure of knowing (and, at my age, I don’t feel I am too far from being considered one myself), and many of them deserve every success. Some of them feel exactly as I do, and they are quite a bit younger than me. Again: Please read with an open mind… this is not attack; it is exploration in a (very) public setting!
Moving on to the heart of this blog: (Fear not, noble reader: Once I get through what brought me to this point, it will get a lot more interesting!)
I am a 45 year old operatic tenor. I have been working professionally since the mid-90’s, and have been on a great…although sometimes painful, frustrating, brutal, and seemingly fatalistic… journey. I have had the privilege of working in many of America’s finest opera houses, and have met people I never dreamed I would meet. In hindsight, I have done many things I never imagined, and I am grateful for every one of those moments.
With that in mind, I made some unpopular, often controversial decisions along the way. I have angered friends to the point of loss, and I have made choices I wish came with an, “Is that your final answer?” clause at the end. Since I do not believe that regret is energy well-spent, I move on. My life, indeed my purpose, on this earth is intended to be spent creating beauty in the musical medium. Now we get to the surface of the topic at hand: Is it too late?
I have listened to Marianne Williamson and Dr. Wayne Dyer (‘Advancing Your Spirit: Finding Meaning in Your Life’s Journey’, Hay House Publications) speak of the afternoon of life. I think this phrase is rather self-explanatory, so I will move on. They suggest that these years are the years of wisdom for the soul… and I believe that translates directly to the voice. How many singers say that their voice finally feels settled around the age of 40-something? How many careers either soar or sink for artists in their 30s-40s?
With that in mind, we hit my version of pay dirt: With a culture that is driven, nay obsessed, with youth, how can an artist at my age turn things around…all of the mistakes, all of the ‘do over’ situations, all of the times I wish I had been strong enough to follow my gut instead of the words of someone else… can I truly ‘reset’ the life I am living?
Yes. Wholeheartedly, I say yes. In the publication mentioned earlier, Williamson suggests all of the things that came my way when I was not emotionally or spiritually ready to master them, and thus completely messed up, are not gone from me. At this time in my life, I am offered the opportunity for a rewrite of my life script. It is from this point that I am coming to you. I have been on an intense, healing journey of my relationship with myself. It began in a place of Divine Discontent (quoting words heard from Rev. Robin Reiter, Unity Minister and founder of ‘Sacred Abundance‘ ), where I was living a life that was simply unsatisfying. Through this time in the dark, I discovered that I had severed the connection between my talent and myself. With this knowledge in tow, I began moving through all of the healing work that needed to be done. Too much to share here… Incidentally, the title of my blog is loosely based on this principle. The Tao Te Ching speaks of life not being circular (containing a definite beginning and end), but rather a spiral (no end in sight, only continuation). I added the ‘upward’ to be cool…Clever, huh?
So, we have made it to the end of the inaugural post. What’s the point?
Through this blog, I hope to inspire courage for those that may be in, or heading toward, a place of unrest with life as an artist. I hope to share more of myself, and take you with me on the continuation of this amazing process I am living (sometimes feeling as if I am trying to raise Lazarus from the tomb; other times feeling as if I am being handed everything I wish on a silver platter). Most of all, I hope to start a conversation among all singers and people; one that will help others from feeling alone in their journey. Until next time…