I have been on hiatus from the blogosphere for quite some time. Needless to say perhaps, but I have been in a deep learning/self-discovery mode. Up and down, many turns in the road- all leading to the uncovering of false beliefs, realizations, and some major decisions.
One wrestling match has been with this blog- I was determined, at its beginning, to let it be largely about survival in the opera world. Ultimately, it has been about my spiritual journey as I navigate my path in this world. I hope that both my original intent and my passion for living a whole life are apparent, and thanks for taking this journey with me.
The biggest wrestling match has been with myself. During this last semester at my Artist- in- Residence position, I undermined my health to the point of a series of physical events from which I am still recovering. I am on my way back to full health, but spent a lot of time being a person that I do not know. Riddled with unhealthy levels of insecurity, managing a (in the scheme of things small, but devastating to my self-confidence) disease that is borne upon the body by chronic and intense stress, and the accompanying increase in the behavior of the chattering mind, I became an empty well that continued to try to produce (to quote a thought I stumbled upon throughPanache Desai.) At first, in a true moment of human-ness, I blamed the job. Given my nature, the only true suffering that occurred through this decision was my own. It has only been in the last few weeks that I feel remotely on the mend from this catastrophic amount of self-inflicted torture. Rather than giving every brutal detail- again, this was all self-imposed, so I do not desire anything more than compassion- allow me to cut the undoing.
I continued an active performing schedule throughout all of this. The shutting off my my emotional state became necessary in order to make it to the stage. Feeling judged harshly by my own thoughts left me vulnerable to the opinions of others, so I would often disappear as quickly as possible. For those that know me personally, this is by no means how I thrive. Seclusion for weeks at a time (except for the required work efforts) drains my spirit. The turning point came with the performance of Benjamin Britten‘s Serenade. The week before rehearsals began, Warren and I had to euthanize one of our 19 year-old beloved cats, Oliver. Given the poetry for the Britten, I had two options: 1) Continue in my emotionally disconnected performance habits that left me empty, or 2) Embrace the heartbreak, begin to own the chaos I had created within my self, and finally choose to sing because I WANTED to. I chose #2, and it was revelatory!
Today, I write still recovering from the physical and emotional issues I summoned by attempting to meet the needs of everyone while ignoring the needs my body eventually had to break down in order to get met. My newest thought that came to me this morning during meditation- I love myself MORE than anything that may manifest physically. My soul and my mission on this Earth are both infinitely larger than my understanding of these temporal events.I am forced to slow down, even at the risk of disappointing others. Warren and I have made some bold choices for our lives over the coming year, and we are moving slowly but surely toward them.
Two incredible tools I have come across during all of this:
1) Igniting Boundless Receiving by Panache Desai www.panachedesai.com
2) A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson (based on her work with A Course in Miracles)
I am certain that since I was compelled to write this that someone will be compelled to read. This is a story of success and healthy choices, so I pray these things come to each of you that read!
Cheers!