…were the words that I heard in a very clear way yesterday during meditation at church.
Over the past weeks, I have been guilty of committing the cardinal sin of performing artists: I have been comparing my career to that of others. On three separate occasions I recall sitting (during a performance) and thinking about where I have sung, and immediately diminished the work I was doing at that moment. I then would visit my Facebook newsfeed and see what all of my friends (people I actually know, not the FB ‘friend’ version) were doing… making Met debuts, singing in Barcelona, Paris, Moscow, Rome, London, and Sydney, just to name a few. I think you might see where this is going… I was headed toward the cliff of doom. The chatter in my mind swelled like a Rossini crescendo, and I was getting so much negative fuel from the chatter that I committed the cardinal sin of beings on a spiritual path: I wallowed in my self- degradation. I got naked (mentally), and just rolled around in the nasty soup my thoughts were creating. I was miserable, but enjoyed it like a pig in shit.
After doing this to myself at varied degrees for such a long period, the fuel was running low. Negative thoughts, or low-frequency thoughts, have a very short half-life. If you stop stoking the fires they dissipate rapidly, in my experience. So yesterday, emboldened by my exhaustion and days of furious self-abuse, I laid an ultimatum before the Universe. As usual, please insert the name of your chosen Deity as needed… I surmised that everything I knew about myself, or thought I knew, was no longer satisfactory. I felt that I had tried to approach life… as singer, lover, friend, teacher, etc… from every angle conceivable. The result of all of this: the same dissatisfaction. My heart ached from knowing what I am called to do, yet feeling unable to do it. I was overloaded with things ‘to do’, but none could fill that void. Sidebar:
As a culture, I think we have become focused on the ‘where’ and lost sight of the ‘how’. In other words, it is more important to society where you work, live, attend church, and the like than HOW WELL you do your work, live your life, and approach the God of your understanding.
In my ultimatum, I surrendered completely (if not childishly) and said, “You are going to have to offer me some sign on what path I am to take. I no longer have the desire or strength to continue this frantic life that feels half-lived. If no sign comes, I am simply going to walk away from all of this ‘singing’ stuff and go back to bartending or some other thing I enjoy that doesn’t constantly test me. I will remain aware and watch for the signs, so they needn’t be big… just some little hint on what my steps should be. So there…” I didn’t say that last part, but it now seems a fitting end to such a mental tantrum. I shared this with Warren… how he hears all of my mental spew and stays with me must make him a candidate for sainthood… on the way to church. I also said that I was going to stop going to church, and that my belief in nearly everything I clung to was shattered. Another sidebar:
I am an ENORMOUS advocate of the adult tantrum. Very cathartic…
I was slated as the soloist in church yesterday. No surprise when I arrived and found out the lesson topic involved daring to be what you are called to be. During the talk, the gracious, poignant Rev. Janet Taylor (Unity Temple on the Plaza in Kansas City, MO) delivered the first blow from the cosmic 2×4. She stated (and I am offering what I took away from it, not her words) that our Spirit already knows and is programmed to go directly to its place as a unique expression of the Divine. Our ego is programmed by the experiences gained during our human experience. Isn’t it obvious how these two could be either partners or adversaries on our journey? Ouch, that hit hard. It was one of the many blows I would receive. Next, during meditation, I decided to stand my ground on my earlier declaration. In silence, as I did all I could to maintain focus (ego interfering), I simply said, “I am listening.” Then, as clear as day, I felt the words “Now you are ready” enter the space. Stunned by this, I continued to listen. Next came “Be dead to your ego. Now, clean your plate.” Blow number 2, if you are counting. More on plate cleaning in a moment. The remaining blows were almost a pleasure: The end of the meditation during service included the statement “Don’t let your music die inside of you”, a conductor from a previous performance at Carnegie Hall posted the announcement for that event on Facebook, saying some very kind things about the event. The final one came as a random thought later in the day: Do everything well. Do it slowly and master it. Do not be in a hurry. ENJOY. SAVOR.
And so, we are to the point of the story. I am very guilty of treating life like a Chinese buffet: I load my plate with a little bit of everything and make it all fit in somehow, even if the cost is a sick feeling later. Given the time of year, the following will sound like a resolution. I do not believe in resolutions, per se, because they often are created without intention and fall away. In order to ‘clean my plate’, I must set aside my desire to please everyone… NO is not a bad word. My plate must contain only those things which nourish my Calling. Events, organizations, friends, and other people that do not fit that simple yet demanding criteria must lovingly be put aside. More importantly, I must allow Spirit (again with the Deity substitution thing) to guide my choices, not my ego. I say all of this with the solid understanding that I have NO idea where I will end up from this. I do have an idea, however, that I will be lighter. I also have a tiny little feeling that there are some fun surprises in store…
Do any of you get so stacked up with ‘busy’ that there is little time for pleasure, much less mastery of any one thing? Do you heap your plate full, or do you choose well what enters your space? I don’t know about you, but I need to begin scraping and prepare to run the disposal…